The Boy Who Wouldn't Die
by Belamancer
Summary: Sick of Harry Potter and his apparent immortality? Annoyed by the ever continuous stream of fanfics singing his praise? If so, then this fic might just be for you. On hold.
1. Boots and hobbits

Ooh I'm gonna be in so much trouble for writing this. H e he! 

No, but seriously, I'm warning you now, I f you feel really attached to harry Potter, or Ron, or Hermione, or indeed any of them at all, you really shouldn't read this. Likewise if you have a pathological dislike of strange plotless wandering crossovers which are written entirely for the amusement of the author and a select few who thought it would be a good idea. 

Okay, now that's over with, this is going to be a Harry potter/The Raven/ D&D/south park/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/ the Belgaraid/ etc crossover type thingy. New chapters will be added when I get reviews and ideas, feel free to send me both. Each new chapter will take place in a different world, and each will, I hope, be original. 

Oh yeah, and I own none of it except for the plot (?) and the few original characters which I may introduce from time to time. Rated G because of the possibly disturbing fact that at least one main character dies or is horribly maimed each chapter. 

Harry looked up at professor Dumbledore as he talked, trying to feign interest. God damn he was bored. "So, harry, do you understand what you have to do?" he nodded absently. Yeah sure, whatever, can I go now? "Remember Harry, even if something was to happen at the other side you will still be safe somewhere. I'm not sure exactly how that works, but it's something to do with how there are apparently an infinite number of dimensions and universe and an infinite number of people in them, and therefore an infinite number of harry potters just like you." 

Oh oh, better sound intelligent. "Infinite, huh? Gosh, that's a lot." Dumbledore frowned at him and then smirked sneakily. 2And I suspect that you already know about the fractal nature of the universe and how you're going to die horribly at least several hundred times before we get the location right?" "Mmhhm." "And your mother was a drunkard and your father smelt f elderberries? Hooray I'm a teapot? Vote for the Monster raving Loony party?" "Yes professor." 2You really aren't listening to me at all, are you harry?" "No professor." "Good." 

Harry stood in front of the magic circle and waited. "SO, are you entirely certain of what you need to do?" "Yes professor." "Good. Now then, severous, if you would just say the magic words for me?" Professor Snape grinned evilly. "Of course Headmaster. _Buggerus offus!_" 

Harry disappeared. Snape cackled like an evil mongoose. Dumbledore smiled beatifically and then went to tell the rest of the school, and organise the party. Finally they'd gotten rid of the irritating little git! 

"So, exactly how much were you willing to pay again?" Ysel addressed the shadowy cloaked figure with an expression of immense interest. "Five thousand gold pieces for proof of the boy's demise." 

"And?"

"And a trained rottweiler." 

"And?"

"And some shadow armour." 

"And?" 

"And some food for the dog." 

"And?" 

"~Sigh~ And a new pair of shoes." 

"Oh goody. I like shoes. When d'you want him?"

"As soon as possible. He should be arriving here in about five minutes or so." 

Ysel grinned and, taking something sharp and metallic from a pocket began to sharpen it further, brow furrowed in concentration. After all, you could never have a knife too sharp. 

Harry looked around as he arrived. It was light, the sun shinning brightly through leaves and turning them a nice pale shade of green, something which he suddenly felt completely unqualified to appreciate as he saw the crossbow aimed at his head. "Move away from the tree and put your hands on your head." Harry looked down the end of the crossbow to the person on the other end. She was short, really really short, and plump, but oddly in proportion, as though he could tell, somehow, that she was meant to be that way. He looked down and the word "Hobbit" floated randomly across his mind. She had hairy feet, but they didn't look strange and slightly fluffy like they had in the film. They looked muddy and pretty gross actually, basically like hairy feet look if you don't wear shoes and walk around in the mud a lot. 

Harry drew his wand and pointed it threateningly at her. "Ooh," she teased, "what're you gonna do, throw twigs at me? Oh, I'm so scared." 

"Stupefy!" Harry yelled with his eyes shut. No crossbow bolts were forthcoming, so he opened his eyes and looked around. She'd gone. Hah ha! Take that, freaky hobbit person! 

Harry made a move to walk forwards, then stopped as a very unpleasant feeling stole over him. It was the very unpleasant feeling of a very sharp, very cold metallic object being placed and held against his neck. Behind him a voice said, "that was a nasty trick"

Harry shrugged, then wished he hadn't as the knife dug into hi neck, just a little. "So, just who are you any way, wizard boy?" Harry sighed, come on! Surely everyone had heard of harry potter, the boy who lived. "I'm Harry potter." Behind ysel shrugged. "So?" "The Boy Who Lived?" "Well, it's an unfortunate name, but luckily for you I just happen to be able to remedy the situation." Harry frowned, not understanding. Ysel sighed. "What I mean is, perhaps you should change your name? The Boy Who Dies And Has His Head handed Over To Some Suspicious guy In A Big Black Cloak would be so much more distinctive sounding." Harry swallowed nervously. 2I'm an orphan, you know." "Aww. Poor you." "And I've got loads of friends who'd be really upset if I died." 2Sure you have. That's why you're out here in the middle of nowhere on your own. Now hurry up and die, will you, I haven't got all day.2 

2What? What if I don't want to die?" Ysel sighed some more. "Then I guess I'll just have to come and see the suspicious guy in the cloak without being dead. Unless a terribly heavy and inappropriate object was to fall down from the sky and crush you utterly flat," she added hopefully. Harry shook his head. "Have you considered therapy?" But before he could walk three steps a most unfortunate and totally bizarre thing happened.

A huge metal safe, at least two metres wide, hurtled out the sky and landed splat on top of the unfortunate boy. Except for his legs, which were of course sticking out in acceptable pantomime fashion. Ysel the crazed hobbit looked on and smiled. "Thank you!" She called, and then proceeded to steal his boots, which were just about the right size. 

Don't ask what she gonna do with them. Trust me, you don't want to know. 

END


	2. The big Wahoonie

here we go then, more strange disturbing-ish junk. Incidently, when I said before that you shouldn't read it if you like harry, what I really meant was that you shouldn't complain.

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"What d'you mean I can't get paid? You said proof of demise!" ysel's voice began to take on more of a whine than usual. The suspiscious black-cloaked figure stepped back hurriedly. 

"Look, you wer5e suppossed to kill him, not splatter him. I mean, just because his feet are sticking out doesn't mean he's necessari;ly dead." 

"He's flat for Daiyu's sakes! How could he possibly not be dead?!" Suspicious man glared at her evilly. 

"To be honest, i don't realy care wether you think it's fair or not. I am not going to pay you, and that's that. The master didn't tell me to pay you. And there's nothing you can do about it, shortarse."

Ysel gave him the evil death glare. "And who did you say you were working for again?" 

"The Dark Lord." 

"Right. okay then."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"But professor, how could it possibly work? Surely if Harry dies he stays dead?" Hermione attempted to talk sense into the semi-crazed headteacher. Or at least, succeeded in talking sense at him, which is nearly the same thing. 

"Well, no you see, it has something to do with potential reincarnation." Dumbledore scratched his head and Snape looked embarrassed by association. 

"But professor, that's never been proven." 

2Well, that's as maybe, but because it could be true it's just as real as if it were happening." He frowned at their blank faces. "It's like that muggle invention, amazing thing you know. They have a cat, and they put it in a box it's dead and alive at the same time. Amazing." 

"proffessor, are we talking about some sort of undead zombie cat?" 

"No, no. It's just thgis thing whereby stuff can be real and imaginary at the same time, so long as it can't be proven otherwise." 

"But that's absurd! I mean, using that sort of logic you could just as easily state that there is an inaudible, invisible dinosaur that we cannot feel, smell or taste living in the library! It's ridiculous!" 

Dumbledore looked horror struck. "Oh my god! invisible dinosaurs in the library! AIEE!" and he fled.

Snape shook his head sadly. "I should never have let him watch the discovery channel." he muttered. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was dark, and it smelt _bad._ harry carefully unpeeled himself from the floor where he'd landed and opened his eyes. Okay, it wasn't dark, but it did smell. he looked around, searching worriedly for any psychopathic vertically challenged hairy-feet people, and, finding none, relaxed and began to make his way to the exit at the other end of the alleyway. 

once out in the street he was forced to re-think any plans he might have had for just wandering up to the nearest Tourist Information center and asking them where he was. the street was full of people, and things, and on closer examination some of the things turned out to actually be people as well. There were numerous humans selling things on the pavement, people on horseback shouting at the people in the roads, short round people in chainmail armour that made harry more than a little nervous until he realized that they had beards and were therefore probably dwarves. And trolls too. Harry stepped back shocked and no little amazed to see a couple of the huge hulking creatures go lurching past, knuckles dragging along the floor as they went but still not clubbing anyone over the head and trying to eat them. he stood staring blankly at the semi-organised chaos in front of him. 

Wandering at random he made his way up the street, looking around and trying to notice whatever it was he was supposed to see that would guide him. he was sure that Dumbledore had mentioned something about a guide. 

Suddenly someone ran up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. Harry turned and was imensly relieved to find that the someone was proffessor remus Lupin, the old DADA teacher. He quickly grabbed Harry by the arm and hustled him off the street and into a nearby - 

Well, he supposed it was a pub. There were no signs outside, but the inside was full of people drinking and there was a bar, so he presumed that's what it was. The people seemed a little odd, however, but fortunately he couldn't quite tell why; the room was almost entirely unlit. 

Lupin sat him down and brought him a dink of fruit juice. And launched into imeadiate lecture mode. 

harry's brain switched off as the werewolf proffessor droned on about how Harry should pay more attention, which is almost a shame, as had he listened he would almost certainly have lived a little longer. 

Suddenly Lupin was interupted by a deep, dark growly voice behind him as it said "We don't like yourrr sssorrrt in herrre." 

Lupin turned around and then began to look very woried indeed. The growly dark voice belonged to a werewolf type-thing with a long muzzle, big clawed hands and fetid dog-breath style drool. Lupin quickly told Harry to leave, and he did so, running blindly out of the door and into the busy street.

He ran around looking for someone who looked like they might be able to help and finally settlled on a vry skinny-looking man with long wizardly robes and a big hat with "Wizzard" written on it. 

"Please can you help me? My fr-" Before he'd even got the words out the "wizzard" flinched and snapped quickly "No."

"What? Why not?" The "Wizzard" sighed. 

"Look, every time someone comes up to me and says 'I need your help' something really bad happens, so I'd really rather not." 

"But I really-"

"No." 

2Fine then. Come and help me or I'll hex you." The skinny guy glared at him as Harry took his wand out and waved it around at him a bit. 

"You really don't want to do that." If Harry had actually been paying attention, he would have noriced that the man's voice sounded more worried than threatening, but he didn't notice. He waed the wand in a complicated swishing motion. "Im-" He didn't get very far. 

Unbeknownst [Isn't that just such a good word?] to him, a large wooden brass-bound chest on hundreds of tiny little pink legs had crept up behing him and as he made to hex the wizzard it opened up wide and then snapped shut.

"Urgh." The wizzard looked away quickly. 

the Luggage stopped snapping and the Wizzard looked back. 2I don't want to know what you did with him, just make sure you don't do it again." 

The Luggage looked ashamed for about 3 seconds and then spat something out. 

It was a pair of craked, blacke rimmed glasses. 

****************************************

there you go, I told you I would. Are you enjoying it yet or o you just think I'm evil? Whichever one it is, worry not, just review this stuff I wrote and tell me. Any flames will be fanned and fed and even tually used to warm my cold, freezing house. I don't like winter much.


	3. Quoth the RavenWell, duhh

Just when you might have thought it was safe to go out ... Along comes another chapter of this stuff. 

[Cue evil snigger] 

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It was dark. Harry blinked and tried to adjust his glasses, but it remained dark. Did I mention dark? And noisy, too. Dark and noisy. From where he had arrived, crouched and huddled on the floor, he could the sound of people shouting. Commands echoed back and forth and people screamed and shouted at one another.

Harry pulled his cloak down away from his face and frowned to himself. Underneath the cart where he found himself to be the sound was muffled, but some of the screams sounded like the owners were in pain.

***********************************

Hirad the barbarian grinned smugly to himself. "Hey, look guys! We're winning!" The mage next to him gave him a dirty look.

"Well, duhh."

"Shut up Denser, you're ruining it for me." Denser sighed and shook his head. 

"We may be winning now, but we won't be in a minute." Hirad gave him a _look_, and he elaborated. "Erriene still knocked out from that blast before, and I can't hold this shield very well." Hirad swore. Loudly.

"So we need another mage." 

"Well, duhh." 

"Thank you for that extremely well reasoned and educated opinion there. It really must be great, you know, going to wizard college and everything if you learn brilliant words like that." 

"Can it, Hirad." 

"No, I was just saying..."

"Shut up."

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Cautiously Harry peered out from under the cart at the scene around him. People were fighting other people, that much was obvious. And some people were winning. A whistling noise overhead made him look up, and he saw a line of fire streak across the sky.

Okay then. SO that meant they had magic, and magic meant witches and wizards, and they could probably help him.

Oh goody.

********************************************

[Random scene change for no apparent reason]

(Cue evil emperor theme)

Yes, I know it's a very famous scene. Do I care?

"You.. you killed my father." Evil guy in the badly fitting plastic suit raised his lightsaber.

(No prizes for guessing where we are now)

"No Luke. I am your-"

"Uhm, 'scuse me? Hello?" A really irritatingly high pitched voice interrupted the conversation, and both participants turned to face it's owner. Short, blondeish, primitive looking leather armour.

Again, no prizes for guessing. 

"Don't worry, It'll only take a minute. I just need to know, has either one of you ever been known as 'the Dark lord'?"

Luke glanced worriedly over at Darth Vader and shook his head. 

"No. No, I don't think so."

"Oh." Ysel looked quite disappointed. "Are you sure?" 

"Absolutely. Now, if you don't mind." Darth waved his hand dismissively at her.

"Oh, well, thanks anyway. Seeya." Ysel promptly stepped behind a pile of empty metallic boxes and dissapeared. 

"Okay, now where were we."

"I was just about to fling you to your death." Said Luke hopefully.

"Hang on, I'm sure that's not right..."

************

"Uhm, excuse me?" Cautiously Harry emerged from the underneath of the cart where he'd been hiding. A man who'd been stood next to the cart started at his sudden appearance, and was skewered by the sword of another man.

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry." The other man glanced over to him and shook his head before running over to join one of the few other sword fights going on. Having obviously nothing better, or at least nothing more sane to do, Harry proceeded to follow him across the battlefield. 

From the look of things it was almost over, but there was a distinct lack of winning cheers. Those few who were still alive were looking about anxiously towards the horizons, clearly expecting something truly awful very shortly.

*********

Meanwhile, back The Raven's new base camp;

"What do you mean, no? You can't say no!"

Denser attempted a calming influence.

"Well, you see Hirad, we're kind of tired now and-"

"NO?!" There were veins standing out on his forehead. Erriene, now fortunately conscious, rolled her eyes at him.

"We are not inexhaustible, Hirad. There is absolutely no way that the two of us alone could possibly hold up another shield, and that is that."

"So we need another mage."

"Well, duhh."

"Keep out of this Unknown! You're just confusing me!" There was a vague mutter along the lines of "Wouldn't exactly be difficult, now would it"

Suddenly Denser created a distraction by pointing at the battlefield.

"Hey, who's that? I don't recognise him. What's he doing here?"

"Which one of those many stupid pointless questions do you want me to try and answer?" Hirad smirked at Denser annoyingly. But don't let it bother you. He does everything annoyingly.

"Well, we could go down and see. He might be a powerful mage." 

"Like that's a good thing, these days."

"A powerful, **friendly** mage."

"Yeah right."

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Brief interlude- go and get a drink, check to see if that program you wanted to watch is on yet, do your homework and eat dinner. Done all that? Okay then.

**************

"So you're a mage then." Hirad was grinning from ear to ear. Well, almost.

"Uhm, yeah."

"A powerful one."

"Well, yeah." Harry struggled to see where this was going.

"And you want to help us win this war against the Black Wings."

"Yeah, of cour- Hey, hang on a minute, I didn't say that!"

Denser shrugged. 2Do we look like we care? You're going to help us or the world will end."

"Uh, Denser, that was when we were killing the witch lords, remember?"

"Sorry, I meant, you must help us because if you don't millions of innocent elves will die."

"No Denser, that was last year."

"So why do we need his help? Why do we have to win?"

"Because," said Hirad, with all the patience of a rock, "if we don't win we won't get paid, remember?"

"Oh yeah. SO you've got to help us."

Harry shrugged. "Okay."

"What? You're sure?" Hirad hurriedly nudged the Unknown Warrior in the ribs sharply. 

"Of course he's sure, he just said so didn't he?"

"Yes, but-"

"No."

Harry looked hurriedly from one to the other. Denser shrugged.

"Now, Harry, just raise your arms like so, and imagine a big shield above us. Got that?" 

Harry squinted in concentration. 2yeah, I think so."

"Good. In that case, we don't need to worry about-"

A volley of above five arrows whistled through the air. Out of habit, The Raven ducked.

Harry didn't.

"arrows." Denser finished, then looked down. "Ugh. Yuck."

"So why didn't it work?" Erriene seemed a little put out by this unexpected turn of events.

Hirad looked up and laughed. "What a berk! Well, we'll be okay if it rains, I guess."

Floating above them, with no visible means of support, was a huge shield, not much different to the one the Unknown Warrior wore on his arm.

************

yay! Another chapter out!

Don't forget to review!


	4. Short

Okay, here we go. Next chapter in the series.

Beware, for evilness lurks within.

And without too ha ha.

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Harry cautiously emerged from the public loos where he'd arrived and looked around.

Okay, a small mountain village.

Okay, it looks kind of American.

Looks safe.

Harry shrugged and wandered up what appeared to be the main street. 

Suddenly a bunch of rowdy schoolkids ran up to him.

"Hey, you m**********r, hold this." The short fat one passed him a bright orange anorak.

He looked at it. "What the hell?" The kids were sniggering like he was holding something dangerous.

Whta was so special about a big, orange anorak?

"Well, go on. Put it on!" 

"Oh, um, okay then."

It was all over very quickly. All that was left were a pair of bloodspecked black rimmed glasses.

And, naturally, a pair of boots.

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[Muhwahhahaha!]


End file.
